It feels like deja vu – these nights that last longer than days and leave you even more exhausted when the sun finally peaks its lazy head from behind the horizon.
I can’t seem to tell one day from the next and all my activities seem to meld together into one long, drawn out goodbye.
Tonight is the last night in a home that is no longer my home
I’ve spent hours on a pair of steps, watching the bugs flock to a light that will inevitably burn them.
I have spent hours like this before, and I will invariably spend many more lonely hours like this in the future.
I’m feeling a weird mix of unsettling emotions. Exhaustion can do funny things. It can make you overly emotional, or it can just get to the point where you don’t even have the energy to feel any more. I’m not at that point.
I’m in the weird limbo where I’m still in disbelief, as if I could look back and physically see my brain’s poor effort to keep up with the processing on this.
There’s a painful listlessness
A feeling of no belonging.
I have really grown to love this place.
And the person that I have shared it with.
I’m not ready to let go. I know I need to. I know that I have no future in this person’s life, but my brain can’t seem to wrap its slowly moving connections around that. Instead, it seems to just be repeating the tired mantra of, “This isn’t happening.”