Everyone says that time heals all wounds. So, I have been expecting each day to bring a little more clarity, a little less heartache, and a lot less thoughts about her.
But these last few days have been brutal. I have woken each morning with her name on my tongue and a fresh array of memories to sort through.
One of the wise individuals in my life reminded me that I’m missing something that doesn’t exist any more. The supporting relationship as it appears in my mind, is no longer available and so picturing it that way is not making it any easier to adjust to being without it.
It’s not as though I’m not excited about this next stage of my life, and if I am being honest, I do gain some sense of clarity and understanding the farther I separate myself from the situation. I’m able to see the positives that I can bring to myself as a result of everything that has happened.
But this is a loss. A huge loss, and I miss my best friend.
I don’t believe I should feel ashamed that I am hurting over this, but I did at the start. I felt weak and insecure about the fact that I was so scared and hurt over losing her. I felt needy. I felt too attached.
What I have come to realize is that pain and loss are normal, healthy emotions to feel -it means that you invested. It means that you cared.
There are things that I know I need to change about myself, but my ability to empathize, care, and form healthy attachments is not one of them. I dont want to become caustic and bitter. I dont want to shield myself from all forms of love in an effort to avoid rejection. I’m not going to let the pain I’m in now harden my heart to all future advances.
That’s all the rambling thoughts for now.