Yesterday, my very French roommate, in her very French accent, yelled to me from the across the room, “You are a very happy soul!”
I suppose if I measured from everyone else’s perception of me, I would be doing pretty fantastically.
I’m a happy soul.
I’ve been handling things in minutes lately- ignoring everything other than the time and space that I am in right then. It makes things seem less daunting. It is only sixty seconds until the next minute starts, and I can handle sixty seconds of pretty much anything. I can handle sixty seconds of a bitchy customer, I can handle sixty seconds of missing someone, and I don’t have to think about the next minute and what it will bring until I am in it. It’s not easy for me to do, the nature of anxiety is a constant state of worry over the future, but this is helping me.
I spent last night lying in bed, cuddling friends, and listening to a musical album. I haven’t sat still in a group of people for 45 minutes just listening to music in years, or maybe ever. It was amazing. I realize that I’ve missed camaraderie with friends. I forgot what it’s like to be able to simply be with someone without wishing my significant other was there too. Last night was the first time I had no thought of missing the people I left behind. I didn’t want anything else, I didn’t want to change anything. My life in that moment was perfect.
Also, that album was amazing, if you’re interested, Stay Gold by First Aid Kit is beautiful music. Really. I sat there and listened for nearly an hour without breaking attention once – and that is a feat. Every song seemed better and more relatable than the last. Also, I may have shed some tears…. but that’s not a huge feat because I’ve been doing lots of that.
I love this place. Life is such a funny thing. I never imagined myself being here, but here I am, and I am so thankful for all the experiences that I am getting to enjoy – and honestly… I suppose I’m thankful for the experiences that I’m not enjoying either, because this situation is teaching me a lot about myself. Some of the lessons aren’t pretty, but when you see something about yourself that you don’t like – you change it, regardless of how painful it might be.
I’ll leave you with a little snippet of some beautiful new music: