My world has been well shaken, tilted, and tossed. I have spent hours in deep conversations with friends about trust. I have yelled, I have questioned, I have ignored all evidence and advice and I fully believed a liar.
But, maybe I’m not a chump for having believed someone that no one else does. It’s just who I am. I love with abandon, because anything less is a cop out.
I let someone make me feel paranoid, obsessive, and insane – and I will do my best to never let anyone make me feel that way again.
After listening to details (from several people) of how the woman I loved pursued someone else while professing love for me,
After things started to make sense about the bizarre circumstances surrounding her behavior in the last month of our relationship,
After I asked not once, but three times, for her to just give me some real honesty-
And she didn’t
After cutting someone very important to me out of my life,
Here’s how I feel:
I am enough.
I am fucking enough.
I’m finished putting such emotional stock in relationships, because I have been happy here with no one, and I’ll keep being happy here with no one.
And nights like tonight.
I’m reminded of how simple a good life can be.
Sitting beneath the stars, huddled beneath blankets, watching shooting stars, using each other for warmth, clasping hands with near strangers who have become like family sometimes only in the short space of hours, watching the moonlight give way to the pink glow of morning.
In its slow, unyielding, mountainous way, this place is teaching me everything.
At this altitude, the moon is a giant globe that splashes light across the looming backdrop of mountains. Sometimes, the tips of the peaks seem to reach up in an effort to kiss their light giver.
It makes me realize that wherever I am, the only constant I can always, always count to be there is me.
I will always be staring at that moon regardless of who might be along for the stargazing at the moment. In the absence of the teammate and lover who I relied on so heavily, it’s time to become my own biggest fan
You can’t count on other people for happiness. As sad as it is – this world has become an island, and we are all trying desperately to stay afloat.
I am enough.