Round four shouldn’t have happened, because I should have learned from the first three. Before I start, this isn’t meant to be a pity party, but if you think it is – I guess I don’t really care, because this is my blog and I do what I want.
But, man, I try to love everyone, I try to see the opposite side of the argument, and I try to be understanding.
I really fucking try.
I want to be able to say to someone,
“You came back for me.”
“You fought for us.”
“You stuck it out.”
And I really want to stop having to say,
“I wish you had just been honest with me.”
Directly before I wrote this post, I read my previous. Yes, it’s true that there is a lot to love – but let me tell you, people are not one of them.
An internal crisis is at play within me, where what I have so strongly believed -that people are naturally good and don’t desire to hurt others – has suffered a serious blow.
The truth is that people are selfish. That our society promotes consistently doing what is solely best for yourself. There is a pervasive sense of looking out only for number one and doing what makes ‘you happy’ is always the underlying goal.
So, of course, I should expect people to mess around with me if that’s what makes them happy. I mean, what is to stop someone from lying, cheating, and breaking hearts if there’s a little fun and excitement in it for them?
If I am honest, some days I don’t think I can get out of bed, but I keep getting up all the same. I stare at the ceiling and wish that it would fall on me. I don’t want any one getting worried that I plan to off myself. I’m not having suicidal thoughts. It’s just that, if that ceiling were to fall on me, right now (provided it was a quick death and I didn’t know it was coming) I wouldn’t be that upset… well, obviously, I mean, I would be dead so I wouldn’t have to give a single fuck any more.
I had another go at things and got played again. Finding out that two people you let into your heart cared just enough about you to deceive and disrespect you, is probably enough to floor a lot of people. Maybe cause a paradigm shift in the way they view humanity.
I haven’t decided if that will be me yet.
For now, I’ve promised my friends a daily picture (I think to prove that I am alive.) I am alive. Trust me. I feel everything right now. Too many feelings.
Pic of the day is a representation of how I spent my night. Lounged outside or in, listening to the rain, chatting with my buddy Vern.