If I’ve been out of touch with people for a bit, it is because I haven’t known what to say.
I’ve had fast love,
The type of love that rips through you like a wildfire.
So rushed and explosive – as if it knows it only has a limited lifespan in which to run its course.
And when wildfire love is over, it leaves scars. It leaves a barren landscape, a hole between your breasts where everything you had built with them lies smoldering.
But, I’ve never had slow love.
I’ve never had the type of love that seeps over you like a lazy tide,
so subtle that you don’t know you’re standing in it until you are submerged in her smile.
And now I have.
This love grew into me.
Like a plant taking root
One tiny green seedling springing forth from a blackened landscape.
This love is slow mornings where there is no need for another agenda.
This love is a single minded adoration towards me that I have never felt so fully before.
This love scares me, only in my capacity to hurt her.
I have never felt that type of fear before. It has always felt as though I gave my heart to be held, and never that I held someone else’s. I was always certain of an outcome where I would be left, and not me be the one leaving.
But this one is different.
Because, where I am feeling a slow love, I believe that hers is a wildfire. I never really understood how it felt to have someone love you so intensely. I have felt loved, don’t get me wrong, but I have never felt at the centre of someone’s world- though they have always been the centre of mine.
It is disconcerting, yet comforting at the same time. Secure.
Maybe it is a little risky giving myself fully to someone again. I would be lying if i said it was easy, but if I really think about it, it has never been easy for me to open up and to show a serious side.
I do feel a bit guilty, though, that my thoughts seem constantly divided between a previous and current relationship.
A friend asked me recently, “how long will you wait?”
How long do I wait? I can’t keep shutting myself off to new experiences because I am living in an old one.
And now this slow love.
I’m giving it an honest try.