There are only a few people that I never want to see again, people who I would go out of my way to avoid, people who I’m not sure I could look in the face and be civil to and so would rather avoid the confrontation entirely.
I’ve never thought of myself as a vindictive person. The thought of actually wishing ill on someone has always made me a bit queasy, but this week I have had an uncomfortable, eye opening experience. I’ve come face to face with real resentment and I hate the way it makes me feel.
Someone who hurt me (and doesn’t seem to be all that keen to make things right) has had a successful run on the national athletic stage.
I never want to see this girl again. The girl who befriended me, slept in my bed under the pretence of that friendship, then fucked my girlfriend -my best friend. This girl knew exactly how much I valued my relationship- how much I loved my partner. I comforted her, listened to her own seriously messed up relationship drama, trusted her completely, and never saw the knife heading straight towards my back.
I was so hurt, so betrayed, so fucking angry.
I thought I had let most of that anger go, but lately it has sprung back up like the most tenacious weed.
Despite removing her from all social media, I have been bombarded with pictures of this girl playing, screenshots of her victorious smile that make my stomach turn, and a slew of congratulations from mutual friends.
Im trying desperately to let go of that anger, but the use of the expletives above probably give away the fact that it has been a losing battle.
It’s not that I’m hoping she’ll fail, I just wish I didn’t have to see her face being splashed proudly across my friend’s pages and not be able to shout to the world how much of a selfish bitch she acted like.
I’m admitting these feelings because I am so ashamed of them. I want to let all this anger wash away. I want to live and let live. I want to rip out the knot that constantly sits like heavy lead in my stomach and toss it off the nearest mountain.
I didn’t know what my next step could be, what approach to take, how to let it all go.
In my lowest moments, I even resorted to praying that all this inner turmoil would just fucking go away.
Today though, I’m facing my anger head on. I’m taking a hard, deeply examining look at my self and ripping out the parts that are betraying my own happiness.
I don’t want to be this angry person.
I won’t be this person.