I need to get something off my chest, because as it sits here I feel its weight slowly crushing me.
It is the illusions we create when we love someone. The things we hear as opposed to the things that were actually said. The people we are as opposed to the people we’ve created in our heads to love.
When she said, “I won’t be dating anyone for a long time” I heard, “because I want to date you, and you won’t be available for a long time”
And I let myself believe that I could have my adventures, and for once, someone would be waiting on the other side.
When she said, “it’s going to be a long year.” I heard, “because I’m waiting for you” and I imagined excitingly telling her about my experiences and adventures to pass by the time.
When she said she loved me, fuck, I thought that if it had lasted this long for both of us, it had to be real, it had to be something worth working for.
But the reality is: I don’t fit. I don’t fit into the life she has created – and because I chose not to fit there- I choose now to give her up. I was foolish to think that I could have my cake and eat it too, that someone else might make a sacrifice on my behalf.
I’ve created a reality in my head that never existed. When my friends told me to be careful, not to allow myself to to pulled back into a web that nearly killed me a year ago, not to fall for a liar, what they didn’t understand was that I had never stopped falling. I still fall. Everytime the thought of her enters my head.
I created a future for us. One in which our desires were similar and we found a common ground on which to walk.
I created the thought in my mind of years in the future tending gardens and drinking wine and simply loving each other.
And so, sometimes you have to burn bridges in order to force yourself never to cross back over them.
Sometimes you have to ignore the yearnings of your heart in favor of the knowledge that you’ve come to realize.
The person you created to love doesn’t exist. In the same way that you created them, they created you. And all the pressures of being the person they created have caught up to you.
This girl has finally seen the light. She knows who you are, and for the second time she rejects you.
I can’t let there be a chance for a third.